DIVORCE, CUSTODY, SUPPORT...

Divorce and your child - The biggest challenges in parenting your child through divorce.
Divorce is the one of the most difficult challenges for a child to endure. Second only, perhaps, to the death of a parent. Just making the transition from an intact family to a divorced family is difficult enough. When parents are at war with one another, the adjustment can be delayed, but most often, seemingly impossible.Here are some greatest challenges that kids of divorce face, and what you can do about it:

Part One: The child in the middle
Parents so often are brimming with anger, resentment and underneath it all, regret over the death of their marital relationship. They struggle to get back on their feet and recover from the emotional turmoil that divorce brings. All too often, they mistakenly, even unknowingly share their pain with their kids. Whether it’s something benign like frustration over disagreements with their ex-spouse to things much more damaging, sharing ANYTHING with a child will serve to set up alliances. Children who “hear too much” often struggle with deciding who the “good parent” is and who the “bad parent” is.

Part Two: The child with a mission
The kids who have inappropriately been given information by one or both parents will naturally create an alliance with the parent that they feel has been harmed or who is less “bad”. Over time, this child will begin to campaign for one parent and against the other. Parental Alienation is the most severe form of this kind of campaigning. Parents may automatically assume that the reason the child is so upset is because their ex-spouse has done something to deserve it. Maybe they have! Before you assign that level blame, it’s a good idea to ask yourself how you may be contributing to the problem. More often then not, children are responsive to the changes in the expectations between the two homes. They're learning the rules and that's not easy to do. However, with the amount of anger parents often have, they automatically believe that their children are accurately depicting the issues at the other parent's home. As a result, parents exchange angry accusations that lead to putting each other down in front of the kids.

Part Three: My “Ex” is unreasonable
When a husband and wife have a child, in most cases the child benefits from having daily contact with each parent. When parents first separate, one of the first things they realize is that they will never have daily contact with their child again. That can be so devastating that they find it intolerable. At times, that can initiate the “time war”. That is, the fight to increase the time they have with their child. And because there are only 7 days in a week, the tug-o-war begins over who should have how much time, and when.

So how much time should any parent have? In an ideal world, both parents should share equal time. But things like school districts, work schedules, sports and other activities dictate the schedule as well. You’re job is be reasonable about the time a child needs to be a kid and weigh that against the amount of time a child needs to maintain a healthy connection with you both. The best idea is to make a schedule and stick to it. Inconsistency drives kids crazy and is bad for your developing co-parenting relationship.

Part Four: My “Ex” is only interested in the money
Perhaps one of the biggest obstacles that newly divorced co-parents face. Because child support is generally connected to the amount of time divided by the custody order, many parents battle to increase their time to reduce their support responsibilities. It’s a fact, and ugly one at that. What should you do? First, realize that supporting your child is both of your responsibility. This is one area that working to be very “fair” about how to equitably split the responsibilities should be a primary goal. If one parent, does have a larger percentage of the parenting due to reasons listed above, they also have a great deal of responsibility to endure. If you choose to have the court assign the support amount, you will more than likely be disappointed. Parents who establish that amount on their own are more likely to find a solution that works and is bearable. This is the best case scenario, and admittedly, not realistic in all cases. But then again, we’re working here to give divorced kids the BEST shot at making it through this.

Part Five: My “Ex” doesn’t want to work with me
Playing games? Inconsistent with the visitation schedule? Yelling, swearing, name-calling? When kids have to be witness to this kind of behavior between their parents, they are most at-risk for significant emotional problems. What can you do?

First, what’s standing in the way? Why does the anger continue? How may you be setting each other off? Be explicit with your ex-spouse about what it is that causing your distress. Come up with a plan together on how to go forward so as to reduce the likelihood of further conflict.

They won’t play nice? It happens. This is when having a solid, measurable, and well-defined court order is an absolute necessity. The unfortunate reality in divorce or any relationship is that at times, there are really unhealthy people involved. Getting a court order adds a level of accountability that discussion, mediation, even therapy can’t offer. Keep meticulous notes including dates, times, events and a summary of what has happened. Just like good fences make for good neighbors, good court orders make things more predictable, and as a result, safe.

by Jeffrey Natalie, LSW © 2006/2007

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